Privacy Policy - Point & Click Software, Inc.

Privacy Policy

Everybody who's anybody is putting up or mailing out a Privacy Policy these days, so we figured we should too or somebody might think we're nobody. However, we aren't sure that the title "Privacy Policy" is really appropriate -- "Home Invasion Policy" would be a better heading.

In the normal course of your visit to this web site, we collect reams of information about you, and share it as described below.

Information collected from your Internet browser includes the pages you visited, your IP address, domain name, the type and version number of your browser, and the operating system in use on your computer. In addition, your browser's "history" is examined in minute detail, in conjunction with your "cache" or "temporary files", to see how many XXX-rated websites you have recently visited.

But we don't stop there. We also rifle through the files on your hard disk to see what kind of interesting and potentially valuable personal information we can collect from you. At our sole discretion, we may do any or all of the following: probe your cookie files to pilfer your passwords and credit card numbers; examine your installed programs looking for unlicensed software; read your word processing documents looking for top secret government information, company trade secrets, any interesting gossip and/or anything resembling a unabomber manifesto; collect the email addresses of all of your friends and business associates; peruse your Quicken and Turbo Tax files.

Above and beyond that, a miniature robot is deployed to perform the following invasive tasks: collect DNA samples and fingerprints from the area around your computer; scurry into your bathroom to install a web cam in your shower; spy on you and your family to report such tidbits as your television viewing habits, the magazines to which you subscribe, your favorite junk foods, and intimate details about your sex life.

A telephone bot is then deployed which calls all of your friends, your business associates, your lover(s), your ex-spouse(s), your relatives, your third grade teacher, your neighborhood busybody, your local police department and your therapist to see what kind of interesting dirt we can dig up on you.

Certain of the information which we collect is used to extract blackmail payments from you. Depending on whether and how much you ante up, we may do any or all of the following: notify your boss that you have been visiting XXX-rated websites during work hours; report your unlicensed software to the Software Piracy Association; notify the IRS of any unreported income; inform the FBI of your whereabouts if your fingerprints match any on the Ten Most Wanted list; email your company trade secrets to your competitors; auction off your top secret government information to the highest bidder on eBay; sell any particularly juicy stories to the New York Times, the Washington Post, or any of various supermarket tabloids.

We use your email return address to do the following: send everyone in your address book one of those stupid chain letter messages which purports to bring bad luck to the recipient unless it is forwarded to twenty-five friends; send spam to thousands of AOL subscribers with offers for get-rich-quick and earn-millions-at-home schemes, as well as offers for miracle weight loss pills and cellulite-dissolving creams.

Your credit card account number is used just for grins to visit 1800flowers.com and have a dozen roses sent from you to your best friend's spouse or significant other.

Web cam pics snapped in your shower may or may not be sold to nudie magazines and/or various XXX-rated sites, depending entirely on the size of your butt.

Any and all of the personal information we collect may be sold to and/or shared with everybody and his brother, variously referred to as "every Tom, Dick and Harry". By visiting this site, you agree to the terms of this Privacy Policy, which may be changed at the drop of a hat and/or willy nilly (hit reload often to get the latest version), and you also agree to quit smoking and to change your political party affiliation.

And if you believe all of the above, we have some lovely ocean-front property in central Kansas that we would like to sell to you. Really, all of the information that we collect is mentioned in the first sentence of paragraph three, and we use it only within the company for generating web hit reports. Additional (and purely optional) information which you provide via the feedback form is used to contact you for purposes of providing you with information which you have requested, and is not shared with anyone outside the company.

Someone suggested that perhaps we should mention up front that the above is a joke, but heck, a joke isn't funny when you have to EXPLAIN it. If someone with no sense of humor should be offended by our creative spoof on privacy policies ... come ON, lighten up -- we're only kidding for pete's sake!